it's a love-hate relationship...

Wow. First of all, I cannot believe that I haven't blogged since the beginning of April. Summer hit and chaos began. Maddy and I have been to the pool everyday, she has began potty training, and I don't know if we have had a free night since April! Bear and I did manage to squeeze in an unbelievable, relaxing, all-inclusive 5 day vacation to Mexico at the end of April, but I truly feel that I already need another one! Our lives are the exact definition of crazy right now, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Now that I have filled you in on the last 2 months, let me dive right in and tell you about a love-hate relationship I have formed... I am talking about my relationship with our summer youth camp that we do every year. Many of you (well the 5 of you that follow my blog, haha) are probably thinking, "Hate? You LOOOOVE camp." And yes, your right, I LOOOOVE camp. This year was a very nostalgic year for me at camp, daily I had flash backs of my years at camp and how much they meant to me. This was my eighteenth year at COGAF camps, and it is a very large part of who I am. I was also given the privilege of being head dorm leader over 70 girls this year, something I used to dream about every year I attended camp growing up.

But this year, something was different... As we ended Wednesday night's service, I leaned over to Bear and said, "I have a love-hate relationship with camp." Its an emotional relationship. The very first time I came back to be a group leader, I was 19, and by the last night at camp I heard one of the girls complain about how I wouldn't let them do something and I lost it! I mean I couldn't even control the tears. It was one of those moments where you are sitting in service trying to hold it together and the more you do the worse it gets! I've grown since then, but the realization of what life is like for the campers we are there for is so much real for me now.

Let me explain this relationship a little deeper.

I love the food at camp. It is by far the best camp food I have ever eaten, and being married to Bear I have attended a lot of different camps. BUT I hate the 3 pounds I gained because the food is so good.

Its a love-hate relationship... Lets go a little deeper.

I love getting to be involved in activities. I love every activity we have, no matter what team I get put on, I love to play hard, sweat and stink, and be absolutely exhausted at the end of the day. I love to yell and cheer as much as possible. I love to make my team laugh and I don't mind looking like a complete idiot trying to throw the dodge-ball as hard as the guys, I know its not possible but its okay to try... BUT I hate how sore I am when I come home. My body is covered in bruises and I hate being reminded that I am not 16 anymore, nor can I play like I am 16 anymore.

I love that as head dorm leader I was allowed to let the girls have a wrestling night for the first time. I hate that I took a beaten and have the bruises to prove it.

I love spending the entire week with some of my closest friends. I hate leaving "camp world" on Friday.

I love that there are no distractions at camp. No cell phone service, no internet, no tv, nothing. I hate that I can't keep it that way when I get home.

My realization of my love-hate relationship came from this though--I love getting to know the campers and becoming a part of their life. I HATE knowing ultimately what they are getting ready to go back to.

This year at camp, we quickly realized that campers with a two parent, normal home life were the minority. I don't even think we can comprehend what most of these campers go through on a day to day basis.

I met Camper D (we'll leave out names to protect the campers) on Sunday night. Camper D had never been to camp before and didn't bring clothes for the night services. As head norm leader I had to get Camper D the right clothes for the week and got to know them a little better in the process. Camper D's mom is a meth addict. She doesn't really know where she is or how she is doing. She has been in and out of foster care until her older sister was old enough to take custody of her and her siblings. Camper D's dad was in prison and tried to escape last month and was shot climbing over the wall.

I also met Camper A this year, it was not their first time at camp, but the first time that I had time to really get to know them. Camper A lives in a town that is oppressed and full of poverty. Camper A might not be the coolest camper there, but Wednesday as I prayed with her I found myself praying, "Lord, make me more like Camper A." She had the most amazing spirit about her. She could care less about what you thought of her. She was the biggest fan on our team, she screamed, cheered, and jumped no matter how bad we were losing. She sat on the front row every night, took notes like there wasn't enough paper, never seemed disinterested, and had faith to move mountains. She came from a home where she was told she couldn't have the Holy Spirit and from a church background where lifting your hands was looked down on, but this week she worshiped like it was nobody's business. Camper A was my inspiration this week.

On Wednesday night the boys went down to the dorms for another night of "King of Kings, Champions of Champions" which means sumo wrestling, pillow fights, and a new running in place competition. Soon the night turned a full blown service as boys wept and shared their broken lives with each other. Testimonies of abuse, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of murder, etc... This service down in the dorms lasted until 3 in the morning.

Thursday night I watched as one girl cried underneath the Gathering Place during our nightly dismissal. I approached her afterward to make sure she was okay and she said, "I just don't want to go home tomorrow..."

How have we gotten here? When I was a camper these stories were the minority, but now they are the majority. It broke my heart, and I hate this part of camp, but I love that we give them a chance to take a break from that life for a week to instill hope, love, joy, and the tools to equip them to get through a life like this.

I love that camp changes lives. It provides an environment that is only at those campgrounds. You can't recreate what happens there any where else.

It is sacred.

I love camp because young people are called into the ministry and could potentially be the next Billy Graham that this generation needs.

I love that no matter how different camp seems from year to year, God still remains the same there, and His presence remains the same there.

I am forever grateful for the impact these campgrounds have had on my life. The workers that took vacation time to put up with me! I'm sure I drove them crazy! The speakers that spoke directly into my life year after year. The leadership of the campground that work year round and then give up their lives for an entire month to give all they have for these students.

Most of all, I love that in this love-hate relationship, the love out weighs the hate.

Talk to you soon, I promise not to wait 2 months to blog again...