it's a love-hate relationship...

Wow. First of all, I cannot believe that I haven't blogged since the beginning of April. Summer hit and chaos began. Maddy and I have been to the pool everyday, she has began potty training, and I don't know if we have had a free night since April! Bear and I did manage to squeeze in an unbelievable, relaxing, all-inclusive 5 day vacation to Mexico at the end of April, but I truly feel that I already need another one! Our lives are the exact definition of crazy right now, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Now that I have filled you in on the last 2 months, let me dive right in and tell you about a love-hate relationship I have formed... I am talking about my relationship with our summer youth camp that we do every year. Many of you (well the 5 of you that follow my blog, haha) are probably thinking, "Hate? You LOOOOVE camp." And yes, your right, I LOOOOVE camp. This year was a very nostalgic year for me at camp, daily I had flash backs of my years at camp and how much they meant to me. This was my eighteenth year at COGAF camps, and it is a very large part of who I am. I was also given the privilege of being head dorm leader over 70 girls this year, something I used to dream about every year I attended camp growing up.

But this year, something was different... As we ended Wednesday night's service, I leaned over to Bear and said, "I have a love-hate relationship with camp." Its an emotional relationship. The very first time I came back to be a group leader, I was 19, and by the last night at camp I heard one of the girls complain about how I wouldn't let them do something and I lost it! I mean I couldn't even control the tears. It was one of those moments where you are sitting in service trying to hold it together and the more you do the worse it gets! I've grown since then, but the realization of what life is like for the campers we are there for is so much real for me now.

Let me explain this relationship a little deeper.

I love the food at camp. It is by far the best camp food I have ever eaten, and being married to Bear I have attended a lot of different camps. BUT I hate the 3 pounds I gained because the food is so good.

Its a love-hate relationship... Lets go a little deeper.

I love getting to be involved in activities. I love every activity we have, no matter what team I get put on, I love to play hard, sweat and stink, and be absolutely exhausted at the end of the day. I love to yell and cheer as much as possible. I love to make my team laugh and I don't mind looking like a complete idiot trying to throw the dodge-ball as hard as the guys, I know its not possible but its okay to try... BUT I hate how sore I am when I come home. My body is covered in bruises and I hate being reminded that I am not 16 anymore, nor can I play like I am 16 anymore.

I love that as head dorm leader I was allowed to let the girls have a wrestling night for the first time. I hate that I took a beaten and have the bruises to prove it.

I love spending the entire week with some of my closest friends. I hate leaving "camp world" on Friday.

I love that there are no distractions at camp. No cell phone service, no internet, no tv, nothing. I hate that I can't keep it that way when I get home.

My realization of my love-hate relationship came from this though--I love getting to know the campers and becoming a part of their life. I HATE knowing ultimately what they are getting ready to go back to.

This year at camp, we quickly realized that campers with a two parent, normal home life were the minority. I don't even think we can comprehend what most of these campers go through on a day to day basis.

I met Camper D (we'll leave out names to protect the campers) on Sunday night. Camper D had never been to camp before and didn't bring clothes for the night services. As head norm leader I had to get Camper D the right clothes for the week and got to know them a little better in the process. Camper D's mom is a meth addict. She doesn't really know where she is or how she is doing. She has been in and out of foster care until her older sister was old enough to take custody of her and her siblings. Camper D's dad was in prison and tried to escape last month and was shot climbing over the wall.

I also met Camper A this year, it was not their first time at camp, but the first time that I had time to really get to know them. Camper A lives in a town that is oppressed and full of poverty. Camper A might not be the coolest camper there, but Wednesday as I prayed with her I found myself praying, "Lord, make me more like Camper A." She had the most amazing spirit about her. She could care less about what you thought of her. She was the biggest fan on our team, she screamed, cheered, and jumped no matter how bad we were losing. She sat on the front row every night, took notes like there wasn't enough paper, never seemed disinterested, and had faith to move mountains. She came from a home where she was told she couldn't have the Holy Spirit and from a church background where lifting your hands was looked down on, but this week she worshiped like it was nobody's business. Camper A was my inspiration this week.

On Wednesday night the boys went down to the dorms for another night of "King of Kings, Champions of Champions" which means sumo wrestling, pillow fights, and a new running in place competition. Soon the night turned a full blown service as boys wept and shared their broken lives with each other. Testimonies of abuse, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of murder, etc... This service down in the dorms lasted until 3 in the morning.

Thursday night I watched as one girl cried underneath the Gathering Place during our nightly dismissal. I approached her afterward to make sure she was okay and she said, "I just don't want to go home tomorrow..."

How have we gotten here? When I was a camper these stories were the minority, but now they are the majority. It broke my heart, and I hate this part of camp, but I love that we give them a chance to take a break from that life for a week to instill hope, love, joy, and the tools to equip them to get through a life like this.

I love that camp changes lives. It provides an environment that is only at those campgrounds. You can't recreate what happens there any where else.

It is sacred.

I love camp because young people are called into the ministry and could potentially be the next Billy Graham that this generation needs.

I love that no matter how different camp seems from year to year, God still remains the same there, and His presence remains the same there.

I am forever grateful for the impact these campgrounds have had on my life. The workers that took vacation time to put up with me! I'm sure I drove them crazy! The speakers that spoke directly into my life year after year. The leadership of the campground that work year round and then give up their lives for an entire month to give all they have for these students.

Most of all, I love that in this love-hate relationship, the love out weighs the hate.

Talk to you soon, I promise not to wait 2 months to blog again...

built for this journey.

"Once upon a time. The End."

This is how Maddy reads books right now.

Its insanely adorable, but ironic right?

Its also how most of us look at the stories of our lives or the people around us that we don't even know. Its how I look at my own life sometimes. There are certain "stories" in my life that I feel this way about, I skip over all of the "stuff" in the middle, and close the book. I've given up hope, faith, and even maybe the love for that story.

Last night was an amazing night at The Venue Live, if you can grab the podcast, I urge you to do it. Warren Beamer was the guest speaker and as he gave his alter call he explained, "You were built for this journey." For some us the journey is stormy with a lot of waves crashing around them constantly, for others its small waves here and there, but mostly sunny. I don't understand why some people get the mostly sunny and others a constant tornado warning, but we were built for this journey. We were built specifically for those pages in between the, "Once upon a time..." and "The End."

So today, I'm clearing the dust and opening some old books.

I was built for the journey that lies written in those words on those pages. Every page may not be picture perfect, and I might stumble on some of those pages, but to give up hope and faith is to lose... And you know how much I hate losing.

Hope you enjoy this amazingly beautiful Thursday. Its a great day to read...

love,
jill

content.

con·tent[kuhn-tent] –adjective
1.satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

As we got ready for bed the other night, I looked over at Bear and made this statement, "I'm really content right now." It was the first time in a while that I actually feel "fine" with everything. Life. Stuff. Situations. Just everything. I don't feel that I've settled or failed because things are on hold or different than I planned, I feel content.

As the days have past since that bold declaration, I feel so grateful to be at that place in life. I think that most of my life I have put this pressure on myself that if you are content, then you are stagnant, or not striving for that next big step. I've been afraid to stop and enjoy the moment, and allow myself to enjoy being content, because I have created this false idea in my little head that contentment equals lazy or falling behind, like the world is going to pass me by while I am standing by the road being content.

1 Timothy 6:6 says, "True religion with contentment is great wealth." I love this scripture because you get to insert your own meaning into great wealth. For me right now, great wealth is joy, peace, amazing relationships, sacred moments with maddy, an incredible bond with my best friend and husband... When you're not content, you seem to miss out on these, and they are so priceless.

There is a song by Addison Road called "What do I know of Holy?" I find myself listening to it over and over right now. The last part of the song says:

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

I can't help but pray, "Lord, I am very grateful for the contentment you have given me. For the understanding you have shown me in that delays are a gift, that you still answer prayer, and that there is still a great plan in my life ahead that needs to be prepared for. But Lord, I hope to never become content in our relationship because what do I know of Holy? I want to grow to know You more everyday. Your holiness. Your ever-lasting love. Your voice."

I hope that as spring comes we can all find true contentment and grow in our relationships with Him. Consider this, whatever misfortune you find in your life right now, someone always has it worse than you--always.

Enjoy happiness. Treasure joy. Be content.
jill

It won't be like this for long.

Photo by Jennifer Jacobson Photography

We're at that stage where she (Maddy) just never stops talking.

Ever. There is never a quiet or dull moment when she is around.

Here are a few of our recent conversations...

Me: "Maddy its snowing outside!! Hurry!"
Open the door and walk outside. Maddy looks down at her shirt as the snowflakes begin to gather on her sleeve.
Maddy: "WASH IT OFF!!"
And back inside we went.

Me: "Maddy can you count the cars as we go by?"
Maddy: "One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seben, Eight, Night, Ten, Eleben"
First off, I have no idea where she learned to count! Secondly, we might need to work on her "v" sound.

As we are driving to church she yells, "IT'S TRYING TO GET ME!"
Me: "What is trying to get you???"
Maddy: "MY DRESS IS TRYING TO GET ME!"

Anytime you ask her to do anything that she remotely is not interested in, you will get this answer: "Maybe later."

At her 2 year check up:
Maddy: (crying) "I ready to go, I ready to go. No Doctor..."
Doctor: "Hey Maddy. It's okay. I'm just going to listen to your back with this stethoscope. Can you say stethoscope?"
Maddy: "Steth-scope. I ready to go. No Doctor..."
Doctor: "Welllll, I guess you can."

I had a horrible headache yesterday, thank you Texas for your extremely high pollen count, but Maddy really wanted to go play outside for a little bit.
Me: "Maddy, Momma has a headache. Will you pray for me?"
She climbs off of her slide, walks over to where I'm sitting, and puts her hand on my head.
Maddy: "Heal Momma's head, make the ache go away. Aaaaamen!"



The thing I hate most, is that there are 10 trillion moments just like these that I never want to forget, but how in the world can you remember them all? And the thing that I hate even more than that, is that its not going to be like this for long...




Please enjoy this very depressing moment with me, and thank you Darius Rucker for writing this song. It absolutely describes every feeling, emotion, or word I could use to describe where I am with Madeline Presley.

Maddy, thank you for being such a complete jabberwocky. Thank you for singing Itsy Bitsy Spider, Old McDonald, The Barney Theme Song, The Elmo Theme Song, and Five Little Ducks to me at least 100 times each day. I love how you can make me smile in an instant by asking, "I hold you?" or "Thank you very much!" You're vocabulary, although I am not sure where half of it comes from, has been such a gift and joy to hear. I love you, and please try to grow slower.

love,
momma.

Laminin

Colossians 1:16-17 (New International Version)

¹⁶For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. ¹⁷He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

coffee talk.

I recently read a devotional that talked about how in the Old Testament, what they saw as the Ark of the Covenant, would be what we call today a coffee table. At first I was shocked at how the author could write that way, to demote "The Ark" down to the level of a coffee table. BUT she went on to explain...

"In that room were a gold incense altar and a wooden chest called the Ark of the Covenant, which was covered with gold on all sides. Inside the Ark were a gold jar containing manna, Aaron's staff that sprouted leaves, and the stone tablets of the covenant." Hebrews 9:4 (NLT)

The Ark wasn't just for worship, but it was a place of remembrance. It contained all the beautiful reminders of God's faithfulness in their lives. It symbolized His providing hand, His guidance, His love for us through His law, His miraculous nature, and on and on. The thing I love most about this small scripture is that these components inside the Ark meant something unique and different to each person, much like our coffee tables at home where we try to display "conversation worthy" pieces.

On this rainy Monday, I'm drawn to my heart's coffee table. As I browse through all the trinkets and picture frames I am reminded of His faithfulness, provision, never-ending love, and beautiful reminders that God has allowed for me to hold onto when the days are dark and rainy.

Today my coffee table holds:

• A beautiful picture of my best friend and her fiancee at their surprise engagement party last week, a reminder of true love and God's plan for each of our lives.
• A diploma that I could have never paid for by myself or received with out my amazing mother. And now as the economy is tough for a lot of people, we do not have to worry about a huge loan payment every month, only because she took the time to invest in me... And one day, I will do the same for my children.
  
• A pink pacifier. Yes, we know she is probably to old for it, but at the same time we are so thankful for this opportunity to learn to be good parents, to pray with a sweet and innocent little girl every day, and to give in when she still wants to cuddle on your lap and asks for her "paci".
• Two Denny's coffee mugs. (No, we did not steal them, we actually own them.) Some of my favorite moments are drinking coffee with my best friend and incredible husband. During these conversations we laugh, negotiate, debate, make life decisions, and enjoy the moment together.
• A testimony given two weeks ago at my home church that spoke directly to what I had been dealing with. Here I thought God had forgotten or maybe He had to many other things to deal with, but He took the time to send a simple and beautiful reminder through the testimony of a man that had no idea what I had been going through or how much I needed to hear God say, "I still hear ALL of your prayers."
  

What's on your heart's coffee table today?

I hope you have a wonderful, rainy, memorable Monday...

love,
jill

reflection.

I love photography. It captures a moment in time that will never happen again, never.

I told you earlier I was in a weird spot in life. I don't even know if weird is the word, its so unexplainable. In these times I find that reflection fills in the blanks and voids for me. It shows me where I've been, how far I've come, and even gives glimpses to the light at the end of the tunnel. I would give anything to be done with this "moment" in my life, but when I'm here later down the road again, I will be able to reflect back and see something beautiful that I cannot see now. That's the great thing about pictures, you capture a moment and put that picture up on a shelf or in a book. Sometimes when you come back to that picture that you've looked at a million times, you all of the sudden find something new and beautiful that you've never seen before.

It was always there.

It didn't just appear, it was there the moment you snapped the shot.

Sometimes I would trade anything to be back in that moment... To hear the laughter, or to say what I didn't say at the time.

Anyways, enjoy some reflection today. Live in the moment, even the hard ones, someday you'll look back and see the beauty.

love,
jill

He seriously has the best laugh in the ENTIRE world! And that smile can change my entire world in one second!

Our house in Bartlesville, OK. The first house Bear and I had together. Now we've lived in 4 different places together.


So young and in love...


And this is the little girl who truly makes me a better person. Because of her I want to live my life more passionately, love more deeply, and take lots of pictures.

a blogger is born...

I have wanted to start a blog for such a long time.

At least ten years, just kidding.

I am at a strange point in my life, where there are so many things I want to do and accomplish, but weighing them against what it will cost and what it means I will give up has caused such a huge delay. Maybe this "delay" is a gift, like Pastor Bryan preached about on Sunday. My mom keeps telling me I can't see what a gift I have in being able to stay home with Miss Maddy. I know I take it for granted. So maybe this delay is a gift, the gift of delayed gratification so I can learn to enjoy the gratification that wakes up asking for milk every morning, or for me to sing the same song over and over. Maybe I'm not giving up dreams and ambitions, but allowing them to grow.

So if you'd like, join me on this journey of learning to grow, learning to be patient, and somehow learning to lose the annoying fear of failure.

Let the failing begin! Blog world here I come!

love,
jill